She's Alive!!!

Yep.. It's official. I am verily the most unstably stable person alive (Why yes Internet, I believe this is yet another paradoxical statement). Sorry to say, but the facts must and shall be blurted out with all hard on conviction. An adamantly embossed label might as well be zapped right in the middle of my forehead saying "Beware: ridiculously too fickle to fiddle".

I can now understand how the perks and chirps inside this head are wound up. Little cracks and twists here and there. Not exactly an impervious labyrinth to get lost in, but actually really quite close. You see.. Any normal human being couldn't truly, even inside different realms tested, would be able to decipher the rather absurd complexities I have. These what may seem to be absurdity now, are the very things that mold me to who I am. It's what makes us who we are, who we'll be.

So instead of isolating myself from this world, even from all its cruelties, I should learn to face it with my head held up, handsfree. Defense mechanism off, no masochistic ammunitions in hand whatsoever. I must slowly peel off the armor I built. Learn to trust and feel. LIVE.


Life is testing me. It's testing my families' capability of surviving this fucked up event. Myself as a daughter, even as one struggling individual. Something this big should have been taken care of a lot sooner, a lot quicker. It had almost devoured all of us completely, unnoticed. I am really scared. I'm afraid I'm not strong enough. Strong enough for the three of us. Help us dear God. Help me for my family. I forgive mama. I cannot even imagine hating her. She's my everything. Cliche as it may sound. But I would die for her, right here, right this second.

I love you, ma. So for now... What's for dinner?

The Walking Dead

Is it possible to feel both the anguishes of pain and the numbness of the cold at the same time? They say that the cold numbs you. It tricks every single vein into transporting the signals of pain straight to our credulous minds and then sends it out through the nostrils instead. A sort of deranged yet still an entertaining way of looking at it, right? Though despite all my efforts in rationalizing these in my quirky ways, it still hurts. Burns and fades the numbness' miracles.

I had no idea the coldest could ever be colder. I am not talking about some lover's love here, Internet. I have been clear to have been over that. Though it still exists, I can no longer pretend and mock you guys with the bigger issue, the entire picture.

I have a father. A living, breathing biological "papa". Though what seems to be perfectly "normal" to me turns out to be a helluva lie. I was entrapped by crudeness, the warmth that was deprived from me. I was lurking in a jacked up fairytale I creatively made up inside this humongously callow head. It could have been either an accidental feat or a humored coincidence. Who's to decide?

I cannot bring my self to lay down each and every word, the unfortunate truths.  You may think I am some strong weirdo for carrying all these right above my bruised shoulders. You are dead wrong. I'm weak. Unyielding but vulnerable. I keep everything in. Not giving any shit about the possibility of exploding. The dilatory fact that I will eventually burst into sad, insignificant particles carelessly diffusing in the air.

Make my heart beat. Convince me that I am in fact, breathing and, well... Alive.