FOODGASM

Have you ever doubted yourself? Yeah I know, I know. What a moronic question, right? Obviously. In this damned universe where nobody is ever good enough to be something... (apologies for the sudden apprehensive bitching) We ALL do. Every single day, maybe even every minute, perhaps even per nano second. Why do we have to be so hard on ourselves? And let me tell you Internet, torture-filled, pure agony HARD. Why cause such pain to ourselves then? Why of all people, we ourselves bring us all these fucking pain?


I would like to think that I am gifted with the amazingly cliche power of clairvoyance. Or I pressume something like that. I can see the future. A blurry sight but somehow a clear view in my own way. Or may I pressume again... I can freely choose to see the things that I want to see. Quite frankly, too fucking much of it. I know who I am. I have known every microscopic root and reason of my still occuring evolution since the day I was yanked out of my mother's belly (I believe my mother's womb is the safest place on earth and the beyond which made me not want to leave that perfectly cushioned cage of muscle and tissue). Heck all the causes and the unmistakable conciliatory effects of my existence. I know what I want to be. Though despite this egotistic perspective, what truly is behind and what is efforlessly hidden is a scardey-ass that obsesses in pleasing everybody else rather than herself.


What do I really want? What am I yearning for? Freedom?? Happiness?? Oh good Lord, how I pray for such unreachable things. I am stuck. Boxed in the sharp unfathomable corners of a god-forsaken place masked with an ingenuously deceiving term, a "classroom". *Deep breath*

I want to be more. Learn more. See more. FEEL MORE. I had become as numb as a botox-battered temple. I am astonishingly getting in the hang of fooling the people around me with cracked smiles that I can't help but shiver from my own fear of luring myself in it too. I am a good person. I can attest that with all the remaining debris of my heart. Or atleast I always try to be. In every single way, form and every possible thought of any saint wannabe. I don't belong there. I really don't.


Now the gazillion trillion million dollar question is.... What the hell am I going to do with my life? I graduated highschool with honors. Won chess tournaments across districts like a barbie cloaked hustler. Became bestfriends with mathematics. Gained diamond worthy friends. And now, the reflection I see is a sullen shadow, barely making an image, in her third year of college, exuding a constipated confusion-infused look, not even knowing how or for even how fucking long she has been cold and lifeless, she wants nothing else but to be alone and do absolutely nothing, in translation, just allow herself to rot until she transforms into plain old house-dust and waits to be sucked into a 10000 peso vacuum. Yep. The Ultimately Pathetic Filipino-Chinese Dream.


Food is what drives me, it is what rattles my core. I know this sounds crazy but this is what I want, what I NEED. And I'm good at it. You can fucking bet I am! But I want to be better. Be my BEST. What the hell is so hard to understand?


I am now in my 3rd year of college, taking Entrepreneurship major in Culinary Arts. And so far, whatever it is that I learned in the past 2 years of my saturday classes that I've been taking (since in weekdays I do not have any other choice but be a regular student and study all those business stuff), I can absolutely learn in a couple of days of serious delving. (And I am being kind) AND FYI, I still have about 2 years left after my 1 year internship. Talk about wasting both MONEY AND MY PRECIOUS PRECIOUS TIME. Time that I feel like keeps on rapidly slipping away, without my conscious presence. Believe me, if I'd stay longer than this coming semester, oh god forbid I am going to slit my wrists with my own newly sharpened knives. AND another FYI, I figured out sharpening knives on my own!!!


To wrap things up, I am pretty sure of my plan in the next couple of months. And that is to pursue my long neglected passion. Escape from this suffocation of how-to-be-an-entrepreneur stuff. One more semester left and a year of internship to go, and this butterfly will soon be free. Cheers to future FOODGASM!

I will finish this semester, join the one-year internship abroad. And hopefully.. NO. Let me correct that. I will DO whatever it takes to be able to stay there, earn and train to be the real deal and make my mama proud!

First things first, I must clean my act up. Fix my clearance so I'd be able to enroll. Let some sunshine and the effects global warming hit my skin and somehow gain a social life, be a Van Gogh diciple again, start smarting up with culinary knowledge more, and who knows? Something might just pop up in some random polluted corner?


Man.... Do I feel better.. Thank you reader.. whoever you are.