Have you ever stood in front of a mirror and say with the absolute confidence, "I am happy". Not delivering a "contented enough" assertion, not a "just satisfied". But, with the utmost doubt-free inhale of jovial breaths, an "I am happy". Declaring these words is my ultimate goal in life. I presume it is an international, global, universal perhaps galactic desiderata. It sums up every possible fundamental component of whatever it is that I'd be pursuing in the coming future. I would know that wherever I am, from whatever I may be having for dinner, to however I am managing my daily struggles for survival, when there is a genuine smile on this aging face, these questions are nevertheless irrelevant.
Based on my 19 years of delving for the route straight to ever-after-land, I have come to this remarkable I-know-it's-bogus-kinds-of-happiness-but-you're-going-to-read-it-anyway bullet. There are three kinds of happiness. First, the annoyingly over-rated I-am-happy-ENOUGH. I give snaps for people who freely choose to fall under this. These are individuals who unfortunately just settle. They seemingly give up on the hunt in finding the "real thing". But who could blame them? If I knew it would hurt this bad to pursue that bullshit "real thing" and lose it, I MAY (extra emphasis on MAY) have considered this. (After a couple more seconds of contemplating....) (Neeh! I would have done the same exact things a gazillion folds over.) Next is the infamous as-long-as-I'm-happy-NOW. Yep. I hear a lot of guilty hearts beating extra hard now. If you are one of these felons, you all are pretty much aware of what I'm talking about. Okay, I will not be attempting to even touch the insurmountable and sugar-coat facts. These are agile runners. The I-can-always-do-better citizens of this world. They are equipped with speed and dexterity handy for their often spontaneous escapes. They are agonizingly frisky. Some just literally run, and run, and RUN. Lastly, the holy Grail of all happiness, the you-don't-have-to-say-you're-happy-because-you-know-you-already-ARE. Need I to say more? When we find that one thing or one person who'll be the sole grounds of our happiness, in whatever form, shape or even specie, the only thing we'd have to voluntarily work on is keeping that behalf experience the same ultimately gratifying feeling we all want and deserve.
A piece of advice to those who found and lost happiness. For those who victoriously have a hold on their happiness right at this very moment, whether it would be an object placed at your lap, or a person whom with your hands are intertwined, I am happy for you. You are the reason why I am still a faithful believer. To Him and to my future him. And ofcourse, forevermore, to us, the "introspectively challenged". It is hard. We know that. But do we accept it? Things will never get easier. Despite the perplexity of what's inside our clouded heads now, yes it's full of bitter shit, but what we are doing is digging our graves deeper unto the relentless dirt undeserving people buried us in. We'll find ours soon enough. So instead of carrying a shovel over our backs, why not a big ass magnifying glass? And oh, why not throw in a pack of Butterfingers? We could all use a dose of feel-good endorphins.
As you can tell, I am in a better mood today. A better mood than any day since I died. Well metaphorically, since I temporarily stopped living. Most probably, when my clouded head starts to clear again, and this sugar-high starts to wear off, I'd be back again to the same dire spot. Just thinking about it now begins to suck the "mock-vigor" I'm desprately trying to exude. What the hell! Atleast I know I'm not fooling anyone, most especially, not myself.
What am I doing? What am I going to do? What can I do? What should I do?
UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Well there goes my near effective "mock-vigor" down the fucking drain. -.-
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