So okay. I know I am the one who persistently and morbidly has been too hard on myself. But I really am trying. Trying and not settling okay? So please, enough malicious assumptions okay? I am on the verge of jumping over the cliff of you-know-what. And that you-know-what isn't what you're thinking you perv. So basically what I'm attempting to blurt out is... I'm not running anymore. I'm now letting go. I'm letting myself go. No vindictive strategies or what so ever. A squeaky clean slate of pure hope but with a tini-tiny dash of much needed sarcasm.
Proud of me? I can only hope you are.
There has never been a single slow roasting day that has passed that you didn't cross my mind. It's like my brain is on slomo rewind and is stuck there. Unseemingly doing its own thing, functioning as if it is not capable of doing anything else but just that. Live and dwell in the past and stay there, sitting more comfortably thinking that it is in its bearer's womb. But you know what makes it more disturbing than what it already is? I like every gloating bit of it. It feels right, something forevermore feels familiar and safe. Both the missing part and the part that makes me whole. Now I better end this in a short and a not so sweet tone before I get the chance to stop myself yet AGAIN to post this.
I just miss you okay. I always have and trust me, I forever will.
3 comments:
No one's judging you rose, and if there is, they're just friggin' insensitive. You're maybe running or walking in circles trying to escape the cage of sorrow, but as long as you keep trying you will find the right track someday. You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try. We don't know if things will improve. Who knows what the future will bring? Only time will tell.
Try and fail, but don't fail to try.
-somerandomdude
The thing is Sir Somerandomdude.. I am certain that there isn't a single cell in me that is afraid to fail. Honestly, I'm not even scared of reaching nowhere. It's just that I feel like I keep on dragging myself farther and farther from everything, from everything else that used to fuel my being. You know that feeling when the person who forcibly shuts you down, the person who refuses to go anywhere, is nonetheless yourself? Well.. That's not me. Kidding. You know what I mean..
I am the problem. I am aware and I 100% accept it. I guess it just really takes time. Time and goddamn TEARS.
Calling me a sir sounds like honoring me as a knight than just a simple formality address. Well then, I pledge my allegiance and loyalty to you Milady. Haha..
Okay, let's cut the humorous act and get back to the point. I tried reading again through all of your post from May to present. And it makes me wonder, where did all the optimism go? Take time, and try to review on your past reflections, maybe you'll gain some strength and a little optimism.
-somerandomdude
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