Food For Thought

Different people cope in different ways. The world is diverse enough to hold assorted personalities that survive by various means. Some act like deranged wild animals let out of their cages. But then at the end of the day, cry like lost juviniles wanting their mommies. Some fortunate shitheads, simply live their usual lives like nothing happened. Whether they are prentinding not to care or they genuinely do not give any shit, it's definitely an impressive skill. A few become instant opposite of themselves thinking that it would prove something. Good boys turn into disgusting asswipes while goody good two shoes women end up being abberant bitches. Others, in a simpler term, turn to FOOD! They just eat their hearts out. Quite a pain in the ass (or should I say enlarges ones' ass). But hey, better be a fatty than a bewildered stuck up biatch, eh?

I will not let this ruin me. My heart may be damaged right now, but I know it's stil a good one. Perhaps maybe even a great one. Capable of loving more than before. More than a heart that's whole to begin with. You just wait, Mr. Whoever-the-hell-you-are! You just wait..

Blame It!

Men, break. Women, bend. Well said "pareng" Jamie Foxx! Ladies and gents, this is the same dude who sang Blame It (On The Alcohol). Ironic isn't it? In the case of men, the song should be more as, "Blame It (On Anything Else But Me). Fits better doesn't it?

Mr. Foxx had just lifted my drepressed ass up. HALLELUJAH! The Adam's of the world just can't handle it. According to Mr. Eric Bishop (his birth given name), men just simply break. I prefer the terms, shattered into pulverized bits of assholes. Let's face it ladies, they just go barging into our lives and then bail
out when things don't turn out the way they pictured it in their tiny little heads. The solution? What else? ALCOHOL!

I am kidding people. Whatever it is that is blamed on a man or even a chick, he or she must own up to his or her actions. It's the least you could give to your partner. If you truly love (in other cases loved) him or her, you wouldn't even stand the idea of hurting your behalf. Finger pointing will lead to nowhere. Whether you'll end up staying together or what else but downhill, you just cannot end any great relationship that way. Heard me? YOU FUCKING CANNOT!!

I can do this! My Prince Charming, whoever the hell you are, you better get your goddamn ass in here ASAP! (Oh dear Lord, please give me back my beloved peculiar humor)

CRAZY, Yes. But No Way In Hell An IDIOT.

What does moving on really mean? Does that indicate that in a certain point I stopped? Stopped at what exactly? In living? In doing things I usually do? Heck, in breathing? I'd like to think more of it as getting tangled. Cornered in a murky unfathomable box that I myself put my whole being into. Both the physical and metaphysical of my being. Though, the culprit is not the person causing this. It is I. Crazy yes, but no way in hell an idiot.

The things that keep me awake at night the most are questions. Questions that does not have to be answered really. But somehow heard. It snatches away the controversial remnants of my sanity. If that still even exists.

Now this is not a matter of knowing, but of accepting. I am fully aware that it will be hard. And I mean intensely depressing hard. But hey.. What is there to lose this time?

No more dubious actions Rose. Stop torturing yourself. Enough martyrdom. You must not give up. You can't.

Boohoo? BOO.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

This is a vague description of what it is that I feel inside. Frustrated. Angry. Confused. Hurt. Feelings that result to only one thing: goddamn tears.

Carrie Bradshaw once said that a person could only cry a certain amount of tears in his/her lifetime. In her case, she used up all of hers for Mr. Big. That after more or less 10 years of their abstruse "relationship", those years of continuous filling up of buckets and buckets of sobs, her tear ducts bailed out and decided to just dry up. Now is this a fact or an auspicious attempt of desperate women to somehow ease their unfading agony? You decide.

Weeping is our body's way of releasing insurmountable grief. There's just this instant on button in our system that activates when the physical body chooses not to take it in anymore. It is a simple way of our human form saying, "Hey stupid, no more.."

Wake up, Rose. He chose to leave you this way. He voluntarily broke the promise you both shared. In all his willingness, whatever reason he might have, he broke your heart, again.

Where The Hell Is My Happy Ending?

How I wish I was 10 again. A delusional yet hopeful brat. By this time, my struggling creativity has started to kick in. This was the phase when I'd read fairy tales over and over again until I could remember these full-of-shit stories by heart. Heck, I would give up anything just to be naive once again. Live in a colourful world genuinely believing that someday, my Prince Charming on his white horse will take me away from this dire and dark place and then live ever so happily ever after. I want to be deceived by this fantasy where no matter how evil my step sisters may be, how monstrous the dragons surrounding me, how wicked the witches after me, I would know that my knight in shining armour will kick the crap out of their big cruel asses. Right then and there. Just like that. How fictional can these bullshits get, eh? Note to self: never let my kids read fairy tales without wiseacre adult supervision.

My belief in my own happy ending was taken away from me. I thought that in love, no matter how shitty the shittiest of things may get, it all will and always get better. I used to think that nothing's worse than not being with the one you love. That intolerable mishaps would just be like a scratch and life without your significant other is the equivalent to metastasised cancer-- no cure, impossible escape, guaranteed death.

The pain consumes every remaining living cell in my close to lifeless body. It will not stop until it reaches my former unyielding core. A fragment in me where I'm not sure even exists anymore. Will I ever be revived? Is there something, someone out there capable of saving me? Hell, do I even want to be saved? I do not know what I want. But surely, I will not debate on whatever it is that I need. I need you my prince charming. Despite this current ominous aura that surrounds me, I am still a faithful believer. Prove me right. Save me from this inauspicious world. ASAP.

PS.
Don't take too long. Okay?

Nothing.

I firmly believe that it is impossible to mend a broken heart. I had come to this conclusion not because of bitterness and hatred but because of unbiased prejudices and an experience-- yes, experience in singular form.

I have only found and lost love once. (Oh, dear God just as far as 19 years) Both the best and worst times were brought by this one person. Numerous faceless strangers passed by unnoticed. But it took only one to effortlessly break my heart into uncountable pieces.

I am afraid. Afraid of living the rest of my life with these debris you left-- you voluntarily abandoned. Questions and doubts are irrelevant. Apathy would actually do better right now than anything else. I would rather feel nothing than something. I do not know how much more I could possibly take. The word unbearable never seemed clearer.

Love?

LOVE. *sigh*

Doesn't this word give you the creepiest goose bumps ever? There's just this feeling that crawls underneath your skin that gives every hair follicle of your body a boner. It amazes me how something this weird feels so right-- how something that is already put on a pedestal still be considered under-rated.

The things I have been posting for the past couple of days have all been consisting of crap. Dark, bitter and painful crap. I kept on lurking on a side that made the worst of things worse. I insisted on denying my own evident feelings. Feelings that no great master of pretending can ever hide.

I now choose this path. A path where I can freely expose my self to both the wonders and hardships of life and of love. I want to see it with both eyes open; experience it with myself actually being a part of it. And when the time comes and I stumble and may break a couple of bones in the way, I would still want there to be a smile on my face. Bloody and bruised, but still smiling. :)

I dare all of you to try. Give yourselves a chance. Do not believe the bullshit saying that an opportunity knocks only once. Remember, an opportunity as great as love doesn't just knock once, hell, love itself will kick a hole in your wall just to get in.

http://www.formspring.me/roseydiola
http://twitter.com/#!/hungryrosey

Breathe.

More often than not, people tend to forget how easy it is to figure out how some things work. It is as simple as these three steps:
Step # 1 - Acknowledge that thing's existence and everything else that leads to it.
(Instead of ignoring all your fucking feelings, look into it yourself. Be aware that the pain is there. Do not deny the fact that you're hurt, and like any other living thing that is harmed or damaged, it must and will be fixed.)
Step # 2 - Accept all the pain and hurt without complain.
(Take them in like rocks thrown at you just as a martyr stonned to death. Morbid as it sounds, that's reality. No matter how unbearable the pain may be, you just cannot love that person any less.)
Step # 3 - Adjust.
(Shortest in words but most certainly the longest to do. When a person whom you start and end the day with, and then taken away from you just like that. Well, in my case not taken away from you but him choosing to do so hurts a hundred folds more. Adjusting may be impossible right now, but eventually you'll get there. You just have to.)

This is beyond the capacity of any sane human being. I am madly in love and just plain mad-- crazy. There is no feeling that is greater than love. But the pain that came with it was something I was not prepared for. I didn't wish for my love to be reciprocated in any shape or form, but I surely hoped it would be. All I asked for was a love that would just be enough to sustain something this rare-- this great. Yeah yeah. Fuck love.

Rosey vs Herself

No wonder people would say: "You are your own worst enemy." Hell yes. And I couldn't agree more.. You may think that people just can't seem to get a grasp on reality and just accept things as they are-- how they were since the beginning of this harsh planet we call "Earth". Well.. To tell you the truth, I wish that things were that easy.

Can you blame a person for refusing to fight any longer? Would you take it against her when she says that she had just about enough? Is it such a crime to raise the white flag when defeat couldn't be more evident? Sheeesh, people! Can't a martyr have a break? Couldn't you just cut an oppressed human being some slack?

I just don't get it.. How can doing the right thing hurt this bad? And I mean really, really bad. You would think that you'd do yourself a huge favor by sacrificing something inestimable. But why the hell does this "favor" seem like more of a potential REGRET?


Here we go again.. ..couldn't even acquire enough strength to make that first step. That first move toward moving on-- moving forward. Why am I so afraid of losing something that is already lost? Is it really that difficult to let go when it was beyond bounds free to begin with? No matter how hard I try to deny it, I myself know the answer. And it's fucking love.

I want it to stop haunting me. I'm so fed up with myself not functioning anymore. I am starting to operate like an ongoing time bomb that's about to explode any second. I miss nights when I sleep with a smile rather than tears hovering my pillow. But it just wouldn't go away..

Help me dear God. Help me help myself..

http://www.formspring.me/roseydiola
http://twitter.com/#!/hungryrosey

Guess WHAT?

You think you're having a bad day? Well.. I'd be more than happy to inform you that there's a person out there-- someone, somehow, somewhere-- having the worst time known to man. So hey, it is still one thing to celebrate about, right?


Through these past couple of weeks-- this persistent abyss of nonstop bitching and tears-- you would think that sooner or later, God will eventually give you a break and tell you that everything would finally come to an end. Yes, I am fully aware. I have no right to complain-- not even the slightest bit. I made all the shitty choices myself. I knew each and every consequence of my every step. I am most definitely the only person to blame. Now.. Do these make things hurt any less? Hell no. If not as painful-- even more.

I am a living proof to my own saying: "When you truly love someone, -- a love that is absolutely life-consuming and undeniably unconditional-- ..that you can never hate a single cell in him/her". Yes people. Sad, but it is true. No matter how hard we try, how hard we attempt to expose our pretentious grins, how much blood we lose from pretending that we do, let us all suck it up and face fucking reality. We do not hate them, we cannot, and we never will.


Now.. Why the hell do bad experiences, hands down, always out do the good? That even when there's a GAZZILLION  good things to be ecstatic about and there's this one microscopic bad-- namely jealousy, anger and insecurity--guess what--  they just win every single time. How can such stupid things destroy such great things? Oh yeah.. Teka. We never had those. No infidelities, lies, even the most minimal of betrayals-- totally zilch, nada, none. So what the hell went wrong? Yep.. I know. We both know. OUR FUCKING STUPID SELVES.


Loving is a privilege. I cannot put into words how grateful I am that now, FINALLY,  I can say that I loved. Hell yeah- loved and felt loved. Even when he doesn't or didn't think so, I knew that deep inside he really did--  he does. I can put my life on the line and testify-- that somewhere in that crowded heart of his-- I had made a tini-tiny dent that hopefully is enough that maybe someday he'll be able to notice.

Like what I said, I do not hate you. I cannot and never will. Thank you for bringing out this side of me-- you made me find out that I had this much love to give-- you taught me that I am capable of loving this much, this real.. Whatever moronic ideas incompetent people would get, we both know-- despite all your bullshits-- we know that what we had was the real thing.

I love you everyday. And now, all I can do is miss you eveyday..

http://www.formspring.me/roseydiola
http://twitter.com/#!/hungryrosey

White Flag

I fell. I fell hard and rough.
I dropped onto the ground with great intensity
There were neither warnings nor signs.
My heart was exposed up to its last veins.
I was caught bare and helpless.
Guilty of weakness and vulnerability


I cried. I cried each time I pictured your smile.
It was almost unbearable.
I was on the edge of losing it.
Crying was the only way I could somehow ease the pain.
Pain that still even with its tiresome trials,
I still stupidly held on.


I waited. I waited for these feelings to go away.
They kept on pulling me, pulling me toward the other end.
Another side which was all bright lights and colors
A very mysterious yet tempting endeavor
Though resisting it wasn’t even a challenge
It was evident that no seduction would ever be strong enough to succeed


I tried. I tried more than my best to make you realize all of these; all of me
Your eyes were closed shut, your ears sealed
It always were, and I believe it always will be
What you could only see was the one right in front of you
The one pretending; the one enduring
You couldn’t see the frowns beneath each smile; the mourn of each laugh


I loved. I loved even if I didn’t know how.
There were neither manuals nor directions to follow
There was no turning back; no second chances.
I didn’t have a clue of what I was getting myself into.
I was not warned of how deeply I could fall
I was addicted to the pain, great pain that was equal to great love.


I surrender. I surrender not in defeat but for salvation
This will save us, save this love from extinction
I know it won’t, it couldn’t
I guess I just loved too much.
Too much than what you needed, less than what I was supposed to.
I raise this white flag not with a goodbye, but with an I love you.


by Rose Diola

Who the HELL am I?

I am me.
Quite antagonized by many.
But is definitely blessed with a bigger ass kicking army that has always got my back.
This team had never failed to literally turn my frown upside down.
This ally swallowed my whole being up to my thorns and twigs without judgement nor complain.
A comrade that made my oh-so complicated life become a piece of an oreo friggin' cheesecake.

I eat. I eat a damn LOT.
Just hearing the words Mexicali Nachos make me drool.
A slice of pizza here and there wouldn't hurt.
And have I mention a butterfinger is the key to world peace?
In summary of this never ending list, as long as it's good.. you can count this hog in!

I am far from perfect. way waaay far.
I may not speak the truth 24 hours a day, but I make sure I spend each second of my time doing the right thing.
Being an angel is not on my list,
But you can guarantee I could kill demons!
And I am surely ain't no saint,
Well atleast not yet.. :)

I am fun. I always have fun.
I think smiling and laughing are simply the best gift a person could easily give as well as receive.
I believe crying helps.
It lets out things that a heart could not bare.
It also serves as an after shock after every major emotion,
after being majorly sad or even happy.

I write.
I draw.
I cook.
I play chess.
I do great in Math.
I can shoot a basketball without much effort.
I could hussle playing cards my way out of college if I wanted to.
I used to eat, drink and breathe computer games.
I may not be amazing with any of these things,
things that I know I will never get tired of doing,
but I'm sure I genuinely give my all, my heart.
I want to do more, do better, be at my best.


Life is never fair.
It never was. And it never will be.
Just think of it this way.
Fairness is plain.. B O R I N G.

P.S.
If you read this, admit it. You do give a damn. Hah! For that, I love you..

Stop the hating and do some loving mother effs!

- Rose


http://www.formspring.me/roseydiola
http://twitter.com/#!/hungryrosey